Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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