Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I could fuck to npr.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize