Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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