she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
