Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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