Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
