lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
