And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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