I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
