first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
