how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
birth control should be required to get into college
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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