Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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