broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
