I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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