I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
