His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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