she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
