do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
