Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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