why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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