I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
