I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
