R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
