Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Two words: blizzard sex
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
