Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
