There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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