i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
