I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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