I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
