im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
