Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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