Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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