I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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