After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize