If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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