Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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