From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
