the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
