U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
