apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
