Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
