So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
