I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
