Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
