I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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