Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
