I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
