I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think my moral compass just broke
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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