this beer tastes like vomit already
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
