you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
