You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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