How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
