Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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