I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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