It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
